Inconsistencies in capitalization of the same 'experience' may at times indicate to the reader different experiences. This reflects, rather, the writing is sharing about a Wholeness, so he can be He, it It, that That, ... I have chosen to let some of this remain, rather than edit for consistency. Thanks.
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That Heaven cannot be known in the embodied, human Journey, I find without a logical rationale. Why not? Why not, Heaven, here and now? Heaven in this body? Why, if where is 'God', so Heaven? How amazing so many are still waiting for a Heaven? Heaven in you, in me, in us, among us, all around, Together One Two, seen or unseen. Why not? ... Love.
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She stood before me, holding the book of stories I had brought. After reading one such, she was interested in it and the book. I was still, quiet, while she looked at the book, then me, and she talked about the story. I replied. Then, more - or More - happened. Suddenly, what was felt like an overwhelming gravitational pull toward her occurred. This was felt as a total-experience, or full-happening, meaning including the totality of Being, or Self. That totality of Being-expression, through me, not as me - and this is key -, inspired a felt-wish, a felt-need, to reach out and hold her, arms around her, in Love - not love, again, this is key. This means, this was not a personal experience, for it did not arise from person, as in a typical benevolent or romantic attraction, and, while including the physical, was not even near a desire or lust for a connection body with body in a sexual manner. So, what happened?
First, I need to say I did not act on the Pull. I, later, was told possibly I should have, that Grace was pulling me to hold this person as a way of connecting spiritually and caring for her. I do not agree. I was in a professional role, and I have learned that we can have experiences that have to be honored within the limits of our role, otherwise, we compromise the role and, possibly, future help. Simply because you would feel like hugging the world, does not mean it wise to do so. So, such an Attraction to action does not imply necessary need to fulfill the action; yet, the felt-experience still is present for a reason, whether that becomes clear or not in a logical sense.
I ruminated on this Connection, and could logically, or otherwise, come to no conclusions - so, I dropped it, though the Happening would come to mind over a few months, again and again. This did not feel, or was not sensed as, general empathy, friendly affection, romantic attraction, or egoic-physical desire, or lust. That is, there was no place to position this within the societal understandings of love, and the ways we relate - certainly all the many years of theological and, later, interfaith study and practice had not prepared me for this. One thing did stand out - the sense of pureness, or Purity, of the Attraction. Yet, even this confused me, for what stood out is what I had not known before - how embodied, or body-involved - was the Pull. - This Pull, or Attraction, I now see to be a Recognition, and, likely, a mutual-Recognition, as like is drawn to like, mutually - meaning, in, say "That of 'God' in one'" recognizing and, therefore, seeking to join with "That of 'God' in one'." And, this recognition and Attracting, due to it being "That of 'God"..." and not person attracted to person, does not necessitate conscious awareness of Attraction from either or both. That is, like saying, Attraction (embodied as the Pull toward the other) is prior to awareness of Attraction. The Pull was simply the arising into the Self-system, or Self manifested as being, of the prior, potentially always 'God'-recognizing-and-seeking-connection-with-'God'. This seeking arises from Union to Communion, for, as in the Christian Trinity, Spirit, One, seeks the joy and play of two, three,... That is, Oneness wants to be en-joy by and with Togetherness, or Differentiation: which again, is the same Grace loving the same Grace, either way Grace moves.
This Pull passed and never returned, though other senses of Connection with the person arose from time to time; however, months later sharing at a distance occurred, and nothing arose from it as to friendship or otherwise. This reminded me of varied experiences over the years of 'spiritual' attraction - I had learned that such attractions likely mean nothing is to happen otherwise. And, why such happens with one or a few, and not others, is not the subject of this writing. I have, regardless, learned to be wise in not pushing such a 'spiritual' attraction, or Attraction, to mean less or more than it means, and that generally, nothing is to be done with It but to recognize and, at most, explore the meaning as to what Grace is teaching through it. Indeed, the more one evolves into Grace, the more and, potentially, stronger are such happenings of Connection. One needs to learn to navigate with and through them, for to try to turn them into something on the 'personal' level of consciousness is, likely, not wise and not in agreement with the Truth of the Connection. Something may evolve, or not, but to try to read the Pull, or Attraction, as necessitating an effort to create something - friendship, or otherwise - is not wise. What created the initial Attraction, can fulfill it, or the initial may be the conclusion - or fulfillment in itself.
After discontinuance of communication with the person, again not in-person was the communication, but at a distance, a message arose - partly through reading the work of Bernadette Roberts. Within the Christian message is a focus on Incarnation. Sadly, most Christians simply link this to Jesus two-thousand years ago: He was incarnated. But, so much more. That Incarnation is a window into the Truth of Incarnation-Now, Always-Now. As one of my patients oft says, "God has to have a body" - how else would Grace relate on a level with bodies? Spirit takes on bodies, in a sense, to have incarnated (lit., in-fleshed, in-body) experiences, yes, and to love, even Love Itself through us, in us. This is a reason the more truly spiritual, or spiritualized, one becomes, even to the point of potentially dropping of self, the more human he or she becomes. So, some new understanding arose... the fully in-body Pull toward the body of the other (I have noted, however, it was more than just body), which society would assign as a sexual attraction, was a means Spirit was teaching me - in a shocking way, for I had never had such an experience. I had had other forms of attraction, including spiritual ones and physical, at times the latter evolving into sexual expression that spanned from unconscious egoic to a conscious self-sexual passage in my late 40s that allowed an experiencing of myself (Self) as fully man and fully sexual and fully grace-full (Christ-Loved-Inspired, Oneed in-and-with Love) - somewhat like a Tantric experience, but, again, limiting, for it was not purified of egoic need; this, too, was a holy passage, a step to realizing that to experience Christ (God-in-Body, Incarnation), we cannot hold anything back, and we might be led into experiences to unblock aspects of Beingness - otherwise and body, also - that is limiting both our experience of Life and our sense of understanding of others who share a shared-humanness with us. Somehow, the sexual, or erotic, Grace desires us to experience, for such is a manifestation of Grace - and many persons of faith may esteem more highly and from self-righteousness a denial in this area that leads to problems in personality and spiritual development. I can find no reason, except ancient religious laws based on societal norms - such as women being property, and property laws, both of which is antiquated - why two persons, adult-prepared, spiritually-prepared, and not in a relationship of commitment otherwise, cannot and need not enjoy a passage of Love loving, including sexual, and it not be a beautiful, holy, and pure expression of Grace. Indeed, to deny oneself such could be a block to Grace unveiling Grace in ways that are helpful and gracious, even if not fitting the moral - that is, moralistic - norms of groups that are truly not seeing through Spirit, but through religious 'law', such as, those who have turned a holy book, even a lovely Gospel, into a new religious moralism. Sad.
I have written this with no specific purpose in mind, except, as most of my writings now, to draw from experience to point to Grace, and how Grace may work in your life. I am not saying 'my' experience is to be yours, or 'my' beliefs your beliefs. You will see your experience, the key is to see honestly and allow yourself to let this human and sacred passage to unfold the Grace within you already, and a Grace that wants to meet Grace - the same - in the other and, so, know Itself as Itself - meaning love Itself as Itself - through you each. To learn this Journey, you will have to have experiences that do not fit 'normality,' possibly, conventional morality or the moral decisions of your group - family, religion, .... Do not expect others always to understand and approve, and be wise in whom you share with - usually, unless you have a friend on a like-level of experience, do not share. Such persons will not understand, for they see personally, when the Grace-Happening is not personal, but transpersonal. They will pull your experience into their known experience - not helpful, at all. For example, as to the above experience of the Pull, most persons would never be convinced it was more than a sexual attraction, one they would say I am denying. I know, otherwise. Such objections to experience outside even the religious or spiritual norm cannot be understood without having had them happen to one - and these are not chosen, but happen without your choosing. Also, we have been so overlaid with psychodynamic understandings and other psychological theory, we oft tend to see through those lens any interior experience, as though psychology is the be-all-end-all, when it is, at best, a beginning that cannot go where Grace is leading us. As I have said before, from Grace to Grace.
